Harmonious Pandemonium
by ExtraSaber
Summary: Joined by their amazing friends (and Rouge), Sonic and Tails set out on the adventure of a lifetime! Problem is, they have absolutely no idea what they're supposed to be doing.
1. The Eggman Cometh

_Author's Note: This is the second time I try rebooting this fanfic, yeah. I like to think that it gets a little better each time. Er, anyway, please enjoy this first chapter. Again. I actually have the next three finished, so please let me know if you want to see how it progresses. It gets better! I think!  
_

* * *

_Oh, baby baby, if you seek Amy tonight. Oh, baby baby, we'll do whatever you like._

"Dr. Eggman, we are detecting a Chaos Emerald in the vicinity. Do we move in and intercept it?"

_Oh, baby baby baby. Oh, baby baby baby._

"Dr. Eggman! Do we move in and intercept or do we dismiss it?"

_Love me, hate me, say what you want about me…_

"Dr. Eggman! Intercept or dismiss!?"

…_but all of the boys and all of the girls are begging to if you seek Amy._

E-0155-z's patience was running low. The coordinator robot's creator and master was not responding to the urgent news. Not only that, but he could vaguely hear a catchy pop song sounding from the Doctor's headset.

_Love me, hate me, but can't you see what I see?_

Desperate times call for desperate measures, as they say. E-0155-z decided that the best course of action would be to cut the wire between Eggman's headset and the Egg Carrier's almighty central computer, leaving Britney's voice blaring through the speakers.

_All of the boys and all of the girls are begging to if you seek Amy._

"Wh-wha…!? You infernal machine! How dare you rebel against your master!?" Dr. Eggman angrily bellowed at his robot servant.

The Egg Carrier had once again been rebuilt and brought to its former glory. If anything, the structure was even more impressive than before, thanks to the increasing number of Eggman's construction robots. The aircraft was hovering high in the skies, far away from any blue hedgehogs. Contrary to the Egg Carrier's imposing visage, Eggman was merely on a pleasure cruise.

"As I was saying," E-0155-z sighed, "we have detected a Chaos Emerald on the surface of a landmass below us. Do we land there and intercept the Emerald or do we dismiss it?"

_Love me, hate me. Oh, say what you want about me. Oh, can't you see what I see._

"Oh, I see. Well, uh…" Eggman stuttered. "Intercept, of course! We mustn't let an opportunity like this pass us by, for we are the Eggman Empire!" Eggman rose up from his chair and struck a triumphant pose.

"That's nice." E-0155-z quipped. "Landing to specified coordinates. Estimated time of landing is 2 hours and 15 minutes."

_Oh, say what you want about me._

Eggman tilted his chair backwards and glanced at the coordinates on his screen.

"A Chaos Emerald, huh…" he said to himself. "It's just too bad I don't have a diabolical plan ready. Oh, well, I'll just think of one in the time it'll take for us to land. Not a bad way to kill two hours, if I do say so myself!" Eggman chuckled to himself as his amazing imagination took over.

"…I already did the outer space theme park idea, right?"

_All of the boys and all of the girls are begging to if you seek Amy._

* * *

_**Harmonious Pandemonium**_

**A Sonic the Hedgehog Fan Fiction**

**Chapter I: Prologus - The Eggman Cometh, Part 1**

* * *

**I do not own Sonic the Hedgehog, nor do I own the music of Britney Spears. I do, however, own E-0155-z. Original character, do not steal.**

* * *

_Beep… beep…_

"Tails, you better pick up the phone or so help me…" Sonic said under his breath, impatiently tapping his cell phone.

_Beep…_

"Something wrong, Sonic?" A voice sounded from the phone.

"Hi, Tails. Yeah, something's just a teensy bit wrong." Sonic said, smiling wryly. "Here I am, in the middle of freaking nowhere, and your crappy Emerald radar-thingy is totally busted." Sonic looks over at a small, compass-like electronic resting in his left hand. The display screen is supposed to display the coordinates of a nearby Chaos Emerald, but at the moment the signal was wildly jumping to locations all over the world at a rapid rate.

"Hold on, Sonic. What do you mean by 'totally busted'?" Tails said in disbelief. His technology is, after all, always completely flawless.

"The signal is all distorted or something. It's, like, all over the place and stuff, dude. What the hell?" Sonic says impatiently.

Sonic the Hedgehog was stationed at a Portuguese mountain range, far removed from all civilization. He adjusted his green sunglasses with a sour expression. Tails had detected a Chaos Emerald somewhere in the area, though he was unsure of exactly where. Tails was at a motel in Lisbon, where the duo was currently vacationing. Sonic had volunteered to go check out the Emerald waves, a decision he then regretted, due to the malfunctioning piece of equipment. The Emerald detector had worked just fine up until just now.

"That makes absolutely no sense whatsoever." Tails said, sighing. "Maybe something, or someone, is blocking the signal. My equipment doesn't just break down like that. You should know that already."

"Blocking the signal? What could cause _that_?" Sonic inquired.

"It could be a number of things, actually. For example, another Emerald detector could conflict with our signal, and thus cause malfunctions. The detector you have is very compact, and thus more susceptible to signal interference than my larger equipment. It could also be a strong radio signal, or…" Tails said. "Sonic, are you even listening?"

"Uh… yeah. I think I know what the problem is." Sonic said slowly, looking up into the sky. A large shadow is cast on the whole mountain range.

"Sonic, I'm hearing reports of a gigantic aircraft hovering just over your location." Tails said. "Do you see it?"

"I see it." Sonic said, rolling his eyes. "I think a friend of ours is dropping by to say hello."

The Egg Carrier, in all its majesty, was getting ever closer to the ground in preparation to land.

"It's Eggman, isn't it?" Tails said, looking out the motel room window.

"You know _that's_ right." Sonic said. "What is that noise? I can faintly hear something coming from the Egg Carrier…"

_Let's talk about biology, make believe you're next to me, phonography, phonography, talk that sexy, talk to me._

"…yeah, I'm gonna have to call you back." Sonic said as he hung up the phone.

The Egg Carrier descended from the skies above, finally touching ground. The majestic structure emitted an infectious pop song for some inexplicable reason.

_Better make sure that the line is clean. Keep it confidential, you and me. Phonography, phono—_

"_Will you shut off that racket, Dr. Eggman?" _A robotic voice echoed over the system.

"_Jeez, I left it on? Silly me. Thank you for reminding me, dear 0155." _An all-too-familiar voice said. _"Now, let us venture towards the emerald!"_

With that, the Egg Carrier opened up, and Eggman emerged from its depths, accompanied by E-0155-z and two other Egg Pawns.

"Now, where's that emerald!? It shall be mine and then my diabolical plans will succeed and I will win and everyone else will lose because I will be the one that will be victorious and anyone who stands in my way shall know defeat!" Eggman shouted, pointing towards the sky as it rained confetti from out of nowhere. "I am the white void. I am the cold steel! I am Dr. Eggman! **The end has come**!"

"Actually, doctor, we're not quite sure exactly where the emerald is." E-0155-z hesitantly pointed out. "Our signal was experiencing some interference. But, ah, we at least know it's somewhere around here."

"Oh, fiddlesticks." Dr. Eggman bellowed. "We must find it or I'm turning you all into scrap metal! And by 'we' I mean 'you'. Eggman bots, move out!"

"Y-yes, sir!" The three robots called out and started scouting the area.

Silence followed, with only the faint sound of tires filling the misty air. Sonic glared at his very round nemesis.

"Uh, hello? I'm right here!" Sonic cried out in exasperation.

"Ah, Sonic. So you are here, too!" Eggman pointed at Sonic in a threatening manner. "Don't tell me you are also here to claim the Chaos Emerald that supposedly rests here!?"

Sonic held up his emerald detector.

"So I assume that you, your big hunk of junk, and that airship of yours are the reasons why this piece of crap isn't working?" Sonic said, not breaking his stare.

"That's… a Chaos Emerald radar? So that must be why our signal was being interrupted. To think something so small could interfere with something so colossal…" Eggman glared at his spiny foe. "But no matter. I will recover the emerald before you even get a chance to deliver one of your irritating quips!" Eggman laughed victoriously and heartily. He glanced over to the spot where Sonic was standing until a few seconds ago.

"H-hey! I wasn't finished gloating!"

Sonic had dashed off in search of the Chaos Emerald.

"Jeez, what a pain you are. I guess I just have to find the emerald before you do, doc boy." Sonic said under his breath. "Why am I talking to myself?"

Sonic hastily dialled Tails's number on his phone. The fox answered within seconds.

"Tails, you're gonna want to get over here for this. Eggman and his thingies are going all over the place for that emerald."

"Way ahead of you, Sonic. The Tornado is prepped and ready to go. I'll catch up with you soon, 'kay?" Tails sounded pretty amused. Nothing breaks up a slow day like an impromptu confrontation with an old nemesis, as he'd sometimes say.

"Just try not to crash on the way."

"Sonic, when have I ever crashed? Actually, don't answer that. I'm just going to hang up now."

"There was that one ti—"

"Bye!"

A loud click sounded, and Sonic was on his own yet again.

* * *

In another place, at a different time (two minutes ago), Eggman rushed inside the Egg Carrier and came back out seconds later, now within a jet-propelled mech.

"I refuse to lose again!" Eggman shouted. "I'm not about to let _a rodent_ ruin my masterful plans yet again!"

Eggman stopped dead in his tracks.

"Speaking of which, I never _did_ think up a plan."

* * *

—_Two Hours Earlier—_

"Alright, time to psych myself up and think of a plan!" Eggman said with much enthusiasm. "Oh, speaking of which, I still haven't watched those _Psych_ DVDs Shadow lent me a couple years back. One or two episodes wouldn't hurt…"

—_Amazing time management, really—_

* * *

…

"Ah, that's not important right now. I still have plenty of time." A cold sweat ran down his face as Eggman smiled uncomfortably to himself.

"_Why aren't you moving?_" E-0155-z's voice sounded from Eggman's communication device. "_Are you having engine troubles?_"

"Ah!" Eggman snapped out of his thoughts. "Er, yeah, that's right! I mean, I was! All sorted now, though. Continue with your search."

"_I… see. Never mind, then. Resuming search_."

Eggman stretched his disproportionately slim arms, and then put his game face on. With that, he was off on the adventure of a lifetime.

The adventure of an afternoon, at least.


	2. Dirty Ice Cream

_Grab me tight and don't let go. Mmm papa love you, mmm papa love you._

"I am getting SO sick of hearing that song." Sonic groaned while running aimlessly. Dr. Eggman's mech was still blaring the same pop music, which made concentrating on the emerald hunt just that little bit harder. Sonic picked up his cell phone and made a call to his trusty partner in crime.

"Tails, where the hell are you? I'm getting nowhere and Eggman is driving me _crazy_!"

"Calm down, Sonic. I'm on my way to your location so try to keep your cool, okay? Tails said reassuringly. Sure enough, his Tornado was rapidly approaching the mountain range where our adventure is currently set. "Letting Eggman get this emerald is not an option, do you hear me?"

"I heard you the first fifty times, thanks. But for him to not find it, _we_ need to find it!" Sonic yelled, now officially out of patience. "Damn it, you'd think that stupid emerald detector would have started working by now!"

"Do not speak ill of the machine, Sonic! It needs to cool down before the radar starts working again." Tails said. "Look, I'm just above you now so I'm hanging up."

Sonic looked up above. There was the familiar blue plane Tails affectionately dubbed 'The Tornado'.

"Tails, we should split up! We won't cover any area like this!" Sonic shouts out to his much younger life partner.

"Don't you think I know that already? I'm just here to stop you from hyperventilating." Tails said calmly. "We don't have a lot of time so just… go everywhere, okay? Call me if you find the emerald."

"Will do. Good luck out there, buddy." Sonic gave Tails a thumbs up and turned to the left.

Tails cringed to himself as he increased the Tornado's speed.

"God, he's so lame sometimes…"

* * *

_**Harmonious Pandemonium**_

**Chapter II: Dirty Ice Cream (or: The Eggman Cometh, Part 2)**

* * *

_You will always be there for me. Mmm papa love you, mmm papa love you._

"Any sign of the emerald yet?" Eggman asked his robot scouts over the radio.

"_Sorry, Doctor, nothing yet."_ E-0155-z regretfully informed the moustachioed madman.

"_Nothing here, either. Resuming search."_ The other two robots said.

Eggman sighed. "Where the devil could it be? You'd think that stupid emerald detector would have started working by now…"

_Mmm papa. Mmm papa, mmm papi, mmm papi. __Mmm papi,ooh papi, ooh lovey._

"This is really weird." Tails said, looking at the Tornado's display monitor. "My emerald detector isn't working, either. It's more advanced than the one Sonic has, so I thought it would withstand more interference. Why do I keep talking to myself like this?"

As that was going on, Sonic ran into one of Eggman's scouts. They both stopped their frantic dash before a collision could occur.

"Metallic fiend! You're standing in the way of my goal and for that you must die." Sonic said, pointing dramatically at the robot.

"No! I wanted to find the emerald and get a nice, pink paint job!" The scouting robot cried out. "You can't rob me of my dreams! And you call yourself a hero?"

"Hrm?" Sonic stared at the scout.

"You act like you're the saviour of all creatures great and small, but here you are, ruining the hopes and dreams of a poor little scoutbot! Shame on you, foul vil—"

Before the scout could finish his rant, Sonic spin dashed into him, destroying the poor robot.

"Sorry, I couldn't hear you. I had my iPod on." Sonic looked at the wreck. "Though I guess that doesn't really matter now, huh? Eh." With that, Sonic dashed off again.

_Now, see. I'm mommy. And that makes you papi. And that makes us lovey._

"Scout #2? Scout #2? Come in, Scout #2!" Eggman frantically screamed over the radio. "I've lost your signal! Did something happen?"

"_Scout #2 has… passed away, Dr. Eggman. I'm sorry." _E-0155-z said over the radio.

_Mmm papa, mmm papa, mmm papa, mmm papa, mmm papa, mmm papa, mmm papa, mmm papa, mmm papa, ooh._

"No… no! It can't be!" Dr. Eggman's eyes filled with tears. "Curse you, Sonic… CURSE YOU, SONIIIIIIC!"

* * *

Meanwhile, Sonic continued to search for the emerald, but his search was fruitless.

"I'm starting to think that this emerald isn't here at all." Sonic said to himself. "I think I've been here at least four times before."

Sonic suddenly came to a screeching halt and noticed a small cave to his right.

"Uh, if I've been here four times then why haven't noticed this cave before? I'm kind of an idiot." Sonic derided himself for overlooking such an important detail and enters the cavern.  
"Hello? Mr. Chaos Emerald? Are you in here?" Sonic called out.

A figure stood up against the wall, holding something glimmering and shiny.

"Aw, and I was having fun watching you run around in circles like that. I guess you had to find me eventually, though I didn't expect for you to take so damn long." The figure said. From the sound of their voice, they were clearly a woman.

"Gasp! That voice sure does sound familiar!" Sonic said to himself. And yes, he said 'gasp' out loud. "And, from the looks of things, they have the Chaos Emerald! Aw, drat. And I really wanted to find it, too. Oh, well."

And with that, Sonic started walking out of the cave, disappointed.

* * *

_**Harmonious Pandemonium**_

**THE END**

* * *

"Hey! I haven't made my triumphant entrance yet!" The mysterious thief called out.

"Oh, yeah, that's right. I guess I could spare a couple more minutes. Who exactly are you?" Sonic asked the mysterious person.

The graceful lady stepped into the light, revealing her identity to all.

"You seriously couldn't tell from my sexy voice and sassy demeanour? Sometimes I wonder if you ever truly pay attention to anything." It was none other than Rouge the Bat, self-proclaimed treasure hunter extraordinaire. "What do you mean, 'self-proclaimed'?" Rouge muttered under her breath.

"Rouge, who are you talking to?" Sonic asked, wide-eyed.

"No one. It's not important." Rouge shook her head and shrugged. "Either way, you sure are slow. You and Dr. Eggman have been running around this place for three whole hours. I found the emerald way before you got here, see. I thought watching you struggle would be fun, so I jammed your detector signal and hid here. I was right. It _was_ fun." Rouge chuckled.

Sonic chuckled sarcastically. "Hilarious. Thank you for finding the emerald for me. I'll relieve you of it, if you don't mind."

Sonic stepped towards Rouge, his hand stretched out.

"Uh, are you kidding me? I'm not about to just _give you_ a shiny, shiny jewel I found. Who the hell do you think I am?" Rouge said in disbelief.

"Oh, I'm sorry. _Please_ give me the emerald?"

"Why do you even need it? I don't think you need it. I need it. I'm keeping it."

"Uh, obviously I need all the Chaos Emeralds to go Super Sonic up in space where I put a stop to Eggman's diabolical plans."

"Diabolical plans, huh? Tell me, what's the good doctor up to now?"

"Um… I dunno. It's weird, he never told me his plan, which he usually _loves_ doing." Sonic said with a worried look on his face. "It must be something extra-sinister."

"Or maybe he just doesn't have a plan yet." Rouge smiled.

"Oh, come on, Rouge. Eggman may be a total ditz but we shouldn't underestimate him." Sonic said, nodding his head.

"Yeah, you're right. He usually has plans upon plans upon plans upon plans. Maybe he's playing it smart for once." Rouge said, juggling the emerald.

"Gah, right! I need to call Tails and let him know we got the emerald!" Sonic said, dialling Tails' number.

"Yeah, you should do th—hey, what do you mean 'we'? _I_ found the emerald! It's _mine_!" Rouge shouted.

"Yeah, hi, Tails. I recovered the emerald and stuff. I'm at that cave place thingy by the place where the things are so come pick me up and we can go look for more emeralds or whatever okay thanks bye." Sonic said quickly.

"Are you even listening to me? It's my emerald now. You can't have it." Rouge said, as if she were a small child getting defensive over a toy.

"Oh, don't get your tits in a knot, Rouge." Sonic said. "We gotta find all the Chaos Emeralds before Eggman does, anyway. You're this really super skilled treasure hunter, right? You should join us or whatever."

Rouge stared at Sonic in disbelief.

"And what makes you think I won't just take the emeralds for myself and run? I _am_ a jewel thief, you know." Rouge said dryly.

"Yes, thank you for pointing out the obvious. Anyway, it's because you're a main character and only the first one to join our party! It's never the first one that betrays the group. The fifth or sixth one, maybe. But never the first one." Sonic explained.

"Then how do you explain _Tales of Xillia_?"

"By telling you to shut up. That one doesn't count."

* * *

'_Cause I'm cold as fire, baby, hot as ice. If you've ever been to heaven, this is twice as nice._

With that, Eggman noticed the gruesome twosome's bickering and pulled over his mech.

"That's the Chaos Emerald! Just my luck, that gosh darn bat girl has it. Oh, I should have known." Eggman shouted. "Eggbots, get your metallic asses over here or face dire consequences!"

Right on cue, a whole army of Egg Pawns suddenly populated the area outside the cave.

"Oh. Yay. Trouble is here." Sonic said.

"You think this is trouble? How very bleak." Rouge rolled her eyes at Sonic and prepared for combat. Suddenly…

"You guuuuuyyyyyys!"

Everyone, and I mean everyone, looked up. There was Tails on his Tornado, coming to Sonic and Rouge's aid.

"Come on, jump on the Tornado's wing, Sonic!" Tails called out to Sonic. Sonic did exactly that.

"Thanks, buddy! You really came in the nick of time." Sonic smiled at Tails.

"Uh, hi? What about me?" Rouge yelled at Tails.

"You got wings, so I kinda assumed…" Tails said.

"Still, I would have appreciated the offer." Rouge said, clearly very offended.

"Jeez, sorry, Rouge. Would you like a ride?" Tails said dryly.

"No, thank you. I can fly myself to… wherever we're going." Rouge said, taking flight.

_I'm cold as fire, baby, hot as ice. If you've ever been to heaven, this is twice as nice. Break it down, break it down, break it down._

As our heroes (and Rouge) made their escape, Eggman was having a totally epic bitch fit.

"All robots, shoot them until they cease being alive!" Eggman called out, speeding after the Tornado on his mech.

Eggman fired 666 homing missiles, give or take, at the helpless Tornado. Tails managed to skillfully evade all of them, but at the cost of Sonic falling off once or twice. Rouge, on the other hand, was just chillin'. She was the one with the emerald but Eggman's attentions were, as usual, focused on Sonic and Tails.

* * *

Eventually, they got back to the motel room Tails was staying at. Sonic instantly dropped onto his bed and fell asleep. Tails went to barricade all doors and windows while Rouge snooped around the modestly sized room.

"So this is where you're staying. It's okay, I guess, if you're seriously desperate." Rouge said to Tails as she walked around the modestly-sized room.

"This is the best I could afford, so please refrain from making sarcastic cracks over the room size." Tails said as he finished reinforcing their habitat and went back to examining the green Chaos Emerald at the desk where his laptop was.

"I'll want that back, you know." Rouge said. At the moment, she was lounging on the couch, half-watching TV. It wasn't a very big TV, but it was serviceable. "There's nothing good on, by the way".

"That's fascinating, Rouge." Tails said sarcastically. "By the way, I'm assuming you had something to do with our malfunctioning radars."

Rouge stood up and walked up to Tails with an amused smile on her face. Her high heels clacked against the floor very loudly.

"You're so smart, Tails." Rouge said. She pulled a small device out of her cleavage. "Do you know what this is?"

Tails' face lit up.

"This is… a Farchaso's Universal C-Signal Krasher, Enterprise Regulated! For short… er… I-I've never seen one of these in person! I've only heard the rumours." Tails said, frantically waving his arms about. "How how how how how how how did you get your hands on such a freakishly advanced, powerful piece of equipment?"

"Oh, this old thing? It's just standard equipment for G.U.N agents such as myself. Y'know, that's where I work and all." Rouge explained. "It makes it easier for us to sneak into places and jack one or two things without getting detected. But earlier I used it to have a bit of fun."

"This would so come in handy for us. We could find the Emeralds while confusing Eggman's signal and that would make everything so, so, so much easier!" Tails said, his face beaming with childlike joy. "Rouge, would you be so kind as to, um, let us borrow that?"

"Ye—no. I'm not about to just casually give you a piece of military equipment."

Tails sighed. "Then what do you want?"

"That's the right question, dear. I propose a partnership. After all, I'm a master treasure hunter, so finding the emeralds would be so much easier with me around. Don't you think?" Rouge winked.

"That is true. But there has to be a catch."

"I get to keep the Chaos Emeralds, silly." Rouge said, patting Tails on the head.

"Heh. I figured." Tails said, smiling wryly. "I suppose, between you or Eggman, you're the lesser of two evils."

"Why do you speak of me as if I'm some heartless villain? I'm hurt." Rouge said sarcastically.

"Alright, Rouge. We have a deal. You help us find the emeralds and you're not allowed to backstab us until we've found all of them. Deal?" Tails and Rouge shook hands.

"Deal!" Rouge smiled.

* * *

—_Rouge has joined the party!—_

* * *

"…what was that?" Tails asked, scratching his head.

"Nothing. It's not important. Shut up." With that, the conversation had ended.

Several minutes passed. Rouge had gone back to watching TV. Sonic was still sleeping. Tails eventually broke the silence.

"More power! We need more power!" Tails shouted out.

"Huh? Wha-whuuh?" Sonic said, his deep slumber being broken by the young fox's enthusiasm.

"We need more manpower, Sonic." Tails explained. "Rouge has a knack for finding those Chaos Emeralds, but don't we know someone else who does?"

"Hey, are you saying I'm not good enough?" Rouge said flatly.

"Yeah, yeah. Let's just go to the Angel Island and get Knuckles to join us. He always does." Sonic said, standing up and stretching.

"I'm standing _right here_."

Tails stood up from his office chair and pumped his fist.

"Alright! Sonic and Rouge! Onwards! To Angel Island!" Tails called out triumphantly.

"Yeah, let's go kick ass and take names." Rouge said half-heartedly.

"I don't think violence is the way to go in this situation." Tails said.

"Chill out, dear, it was just an innocent little joke." Rouge smiled. "Come on, let's just get going."

* * *

_All my people on the floor, let me see you dance. All my people wanting more, let me see you dance._

Meanwhile, Eggman was sitting in the Egg Carrier's command room with a big tub of ice cream and tears in his eyes.

"Why are they so mean? Can't they just let me get the stupid Chaos Emeralds just this once?" Eggman cried out, stuffing his face with more ice cream.

"Come to think of it… I still don't have a plan. What would Buffy do?"

"Do you want me to put _Buffy_ on, Doctor?" E-0155-z said in his most comforting tone.

"…yes, please. The m—"

"The musical episode, yes."


	3. A Certain Magical Emerald

_What am I to do with my life? How am I supposed to know what's right?_

Dr. Eggman and his merry robot companions were positioned around a large, blue map of the world.

"If my calculations are correct," E-0155-z started, "the next Chaos Emerald should be somewhere around… here."

Aside from Dr. Eggman's pop music, the room was dead silent.

"Where is… 'here', E-0155-z?" Eggman asked.

"You'd think I'd know, but I don't." E-0155-z said hesitantly. "We have several signals, but they're all very faint. There's not much to go on, I'm afraid."

_I can't help the way I feel. But my life has been so overprotected._

"Well, that's just wonderful. Those blasted woodland animals have one Chaos Emerald, and I don't have any Chaos Emeralds. I don't even know where they are." Eggman sobbed. "With all those detours they took back then, tracking them back to their base of operations would have been very difficult." He noted to himself.

Eggman dejectedly walked back to the command room, mumbling lyrics to himself.

"Do I want a Lamborghini? To sip on martinis? To look hot in a bikini? A party in France, perhaps? I must research this further…"

_I tell them what I like, what I want, and what I don't. But every time I do, I stand corrected._

* * *

_**Harmonious Pandemonium**_

**Chapter III: A Certain Magical Emerald**

* * *

The Angel Island is very lovely in the autumn, as our duo of heroic critters (and Rouge) just found out.

"The colours are very pretty." Tails noted, nodding his head. They were nearing the Master Emerald's shrine, where Knuckles spent just about all of his time. And sure enough, there he was.

"Let's not even bother to tell him about anything. We could just grab him with us without a word and I don't think he'd question it. Am I right or am I right?" Sonic said as he started walking towards the shrine. However, Rouge grabbed his arm.

"Wait, Sonic. I want to have some fun. Do you mind?" Rouge said, an evil smirk forming on her face.

"Damn, girl, you're being extra evil this week." Sonic shrugged. "Alright, Tails. Let's hide in this here bush and Rouge will tell us when she's done flirting with Knuckles." Sonic dragged Tails into a nearby bush.

"Huh? But, wai—" Tails started, but Sonic covered his mouth.

"I'm so glad we understand each other, Sonic." Rouge said, smiling warmly. "We make a wonderful team."

"Don't we just?" Sonic winked. And with that, Rouge cheerfully skipped over to the Master Emerald's shrine.

Knuckles was peacefully napping up against the large gem. However, he instantly noticed Rouge's presence.

"What do you want, bat girl?" Knuckles said calmly. He opened his eyes and crossed his arms.

"Aw, and here I thought you'd be happy to see me." Rouge said, shrugging. "I came here to see you, after all."

Knuckles groaned and stood up, facing Rouge.

"What do you mean by that?" He said with a grim expression.

Rouge crossed her arms in a way that emphasised her sizeable bosom. She smiled sheepishly.

"I mean… I wanted to see you." She said, blushing.

Knuckles was, to say the least, flabbergasted. He struggled to find an appropriate response to that declaration, but was able to stand his ground somewhat.

"What do you mean by that?" He said again, this time with a noticeably uncomfortable voice.

Rouge slowly walked up to Knuckles and grabbed his hand.

"I couldn't stand to be away from you, my love!" She cried out, her eyes filling with tears. "I couldn't sleep at night, knowing you were all alone here." She closed her eyes.  
"To me… you're much more precious than any jewel."

Knuckles' face was now a deeper red than his own fur. He was sweating wildly and his heart was pounding like a sledgehammer on fire trying to break down a wall that separated it from a mountain of sweet, sweet candy.

"H…huh… is… is that… so…" Knuckles stammered. _Meanwhile,_ Sonic and Tails were watching the scene unfold from the bush. Sonic was trying his hardest to contain his psychotic cackling.

"Oh, wow, Tails. If only we had brought our video camera. This is one for the ages." Sonic said, wiping a tear from his eye.

"I must say, Rouge's acting skills are commendable. Being able to blush and cry on command like that… I must receive lessons from her." Tails said with a completely straight face. He had been taking notes intently.

Rouge took Knuckles' hand and put it to her left breast.

"Can you feel my heart pounding?" Rouge said, smiling at the increasingly panicking Knuckles. "I… I love you, Knuckles."

"A… b-bu wh-why are b-but I you see uh I, we- no- hu—" Knuckles blabbered, half-heartedly groping Rouge's boob.

Rouge cleared her throat and regained her composure, removing Knuckles' hand from her bosom.

"Mmkay, that's enough of that. Just yankin' your chain, hun." Rouge said cheerfully. "You guys, you come get out here now." She said, signalling Sonic and Tails to get over there. Sonic was now howling with laughter. The two walked up to the completely silent guardian, who was red in more ways than one.

"Rouge, I never knew you were such a skilled actress!" Tails said, his eyes literally sparkling. "I was extremely impressed by your amazing performance!" Rouge was getting flustered for real now.

"What, really? I didn't know I was _that_ good. Actually, I totally did." Rouge said, smiling radiantly.

"**What the hell are you god damned assholes doing here!?**" Knuckles snapped at the heroic heroes (and Rouge).

"Calm down, Knucklehead." Rouge said, patting Knuckles on the shoulder. "We're just here to request your assistance."

Knuckles glared at the smirking bat. "My assistance? What exactly do you need me for and why should I help you?"

"Don't be so cold, Knux. We're BFF, aren't we?" Sonic said, patting Knuckles on his other shoulder. Sonic and Rouge were both snickering. The echidna's temper was getting even worse.

"What he's trying to say, Knuckles," Tails said hastily, "Eggman has this brand-new diabolical scheme and we don't know what it is and that worries us! He's trying to get all the Chaos Emeralds and we need to get all of them before he does or else something horrible will happen. You know, like in all the games."

"The Chaos Emeralds?" Knuckles muttered under his breath. "How very original of the doctor."

"I know, right?" Sonic said, patting Knuckles' shoulder harder. "You're like super duper good at detecting those things, right? So we thought you would really come in handy. What do you say, Knuckles? For the greater good."

"For the greater good." Rouge smiled.

"Ugh, fine. It's not like I have anything better to do." Knuckles grumbled, forgetting that he kinda had a sacred duty to protect the Master Emerald from any and all harm that might befall it. "So, where are we headed?"

Tails hesitated. "Um… we don't really know. We were kind of hoping you would help us with that part." He said awkwardly.

Knuckles faced the dynamic duo and Rouge. "Man, you guys are hopeless." He shook his head and smiled. "My hunter's instinct never fails." He said, proudly pointing to his chest.

This emitted more fits of laughter from Sonic and Rouge.

"Oh, wow, Knuckles! You're so cool!" Sonic said in-between the maniacal cackling.

"Totally. I'm falling for you all over again." Rouge laughed.

"I know, right? Knuckles is getting me so hot right now. We should have a heroic three-w—"

"**Shut up!** Let's just freaking go and find those emeralds, okay?" Knuckles said angrily, pointing towards the Tornado. Tails had been diligently taking notes.

"Yes, you guys. Let's stop wasting time here and get going." Tails said, walking towards his trusty aircraft.

* * *

—_Knuckles has joined the party!—_

* * *

"I'm a physical-type character, by the way. I don't really have any support or elemental skills, but I make up for that by being really, really good at punching things." Knuckles, sitting on the right wing, explained to Tails, who was flying the Tornado over Station Square.

"I see. We'd work well together in battle, as I'm a mostly support-minded character. My stat buffs could make you extra deadly." Tails nodded.

"What in the actual hell are you guys going on about?" A confused Sonic said, sitting on the other wing.

"It's nothing for you to worry about, Sonic." Tails smiled. "Anyway, Knuckles, are you picking up any Chaos Emerald waves?"

"Hang on, I'll need to concentrate." Knuckles said, closing his eyes.

Tails, Sonic and Rouge all stare at Knuckles with expecting looks on their faces.

"Eureka!" Knuckles shouted out.

"What? Did you find one?" Sonic and Tails asked in unison.

"No, I said that for no reason. Yeah, I found one. In fact, it's right below us in Station Square." Knuckles said, smirking.

"My, how convenient. At least it isn't playing hard to get." Rouge remarked. "Can you be just a little more specific, though?"

"It's inside some place. Perhaps underground." Knuckles nodded.

"Translation: It's in the sewers. Amazing." Sonic sighed.

* * *

And thus, the three musketeers (and Rouge) landed in Station Square where they were to search every sewer in the city in search of a small gem.

"Oh, joy. I'm so very excited to be crawling through small, tight, dirty sewers." Rouge said.

"That's the spirit, Rouge!" Tails said excitedly, raising his hand. "Sewers are fun!"

"It's not that bad, Rouge. Just shower afterwards or something." Knuckles said, patting Rouge on the shoulder.

"That's not what I meant." Rouge said, pushing Knuckles' hand away. "My clothes. They're brand-name."

The trio all stared at Rouge.

"What?"

"_That_ is _brand-name_?" Sonic said in disbelief.

"Um, yeah." Rouge replied. "It's from the collection of Ivy Valentine."

"Ivy Valentine?" Sonic whispered to Knuckles.

"Why are you asking me?" Knuckles said.

"Anyway, to protect my lovely outfit, I will have to go shopping for something cheap and tacky I can get dirty in good conscience." Rouge explained and grabbed Knuckles' arm. "Knuckles, you will be my escort."

"Why me?" Knuckles said, his eyes narrowing.

"Because. Now get a move on. We need to make this quick." Rouge dragged Knuckles off to the nearest mall, leaving Sonic and Tails alone.

* * *

—_Knuckles has left the party.—_

* * *

—_Rouge has left the party.—_

* * *

"I guess it's just you and me, Tails." Sonic said, smiling.

"Yep, I guess so." Tails said, looking at his watch. "We should be okay, as there hasn't been any sign of Eggman yet. Wanna go get something to eat while we wait for the others?"

"We think alike, Tails. That's why I love you so much." Sonic laughed, as the dynamic duo headed out to a nearby fast food place.

Little did they know that they were being watched.

"Sonic, I think we're being watched."

"No, we're not."


	4. Welcome to the Heckmouth

_Author's Note: This is probably my favourite chapter. Comedy hijinks!  
_

* * *

_Womanizer, woma-womanizer, you're a womanizer oh womanizer, oh, you're a womanizer, baby._

"Have we found the emerald yet, yes or no?" Eggman asked his trusty companion, E-0155-z. Eggman was sitting in front of his almighty supercomputer, pretending to be doing work. He was, in actuality, trolling message boards.

"Well, no, not really," E-0155-z began, "but we're fairly sure it's somewhere in Station Square."

_You you you are. You you you are. Womanizer womanizer womanizer (womanizer)._

Eggman sighed. "Station Square. _Of course_ it's Station Square. It's always Station Square. That place is like a Chaos Emerald magnet. I bet if we just go there and wander around we would probably just _stumble upon _all the Chaos Emeralds within two days. I mean, Sonic Adventure practically revolved around the place, and most of that questionably produced Sonic X show took place in god damned Station Square. What is it about that place and why haven't we gone there yet?"

_Boy, don't try to front (uh uh) cause that's just what you are (ah ah)._

"I don't know, doctor dear." E-0155-z awkwardly mumbled. "But we can go there right now if it will soothe your aching heart."

Eggman wiped a tear from his eye and sniffled.

"It would. Thank you, E-0155-z." Eggman embraced E-0155-z in a tender hug. "Don't grope my butt or I'll dismantle you."

_You got me going. You're oh so charming. But I can't do it, you womanizer._

* * *

_**Harmonious Pandemonium**_

**Chapter IV: Welcome to the Heckmouth**

* * *

"Oh, how about that store right there?" Rouge said, pointing towards an expensive-looking clothing shop.

"La Prostituée? That looks and sounds really expensive. Weren't you just looking for something cheap you could get di—" Knuckles started but was quickly cut off by Rouge.

"Uh, what the hell ever. We're going in there and we're buying stuff. We're buying lots and lots of stuff." Rouge said, dragging Knuckles into La Prostituée, a really snobby-looking fashion place.

About an hour later, Knuckles and Rouge emerged from the wretched hive of scum and villainy. Rouge had discarded her trademark Ivy Valentine pseudo-spy suit in favour of an extravagant, frilly beige mini-dress with black thigh-high boots. Knuckles was carrying no less than five bags.

"Rouge, are you really going to wear this in the sewers?" Knuckles said, out of breath.

"What, are you insane? I'm not getting any of this stuff anywhere near the sewers." Rouge said, sighing.

"But… wasn't that the whole reason we came here? To get clothes you could stand to get dirty?" Knuckles groaned.

"And here I thought you had the memory of a goldfish. Clearly I was wrong." Rouge smiled deviously. "We just haven't gone to the right place yet. That's all, my dear red gentleman." She smiled at the grimacing echidna.

"And where's this 'right place' of yours, huh?"

"Right over here, babe. I think it's called The Stupid Slut. That sounds cheap and trashy. Let's go in there." Rouge said, smirking.

"That's very funny, Rouge. Just hurry up and find a store that fits your tastes." Knuckles laughed sarcastically.

"No, really. There's a place called The Stupid Slut right here." Rouge said, pointing to a nearby store. Sure enough, it said **The Stupid Slut** in large bold letters.

"I can't wait to go in there." Knuckles said. Just how serious he was is up to your interpretation.

Their time had improved. As opposed to the hour they spent in La Prostituée, only ten minutes had passed since they entered The Stupid Slut. However, the amount of bag Knuckles was carrying had doubled.

"If that store was so terrible then why am I carrying five more bags?" Knuckles complained.

"Oh, quit your bitching, honeybunch. It's nice to have backup outfits." Rouge said, looking to her right. "I'm thirsty now. Let's stop by a coffee place or something."

"Yes, by all means. Let's caffeine it up in this bitch like whoa." Knuckles half-heartedly mumbled.

* * *

While Knuckles and Rouge were wandering around the mall, doing god knows what, Sonic and Tails were walking around the town, looking for a satisfactory food-type establishment. They had several meals at Westopolis Fried Flickies, but Sonic found it less than filling.

"Jeez, that didn't fill me up at all. Those damn Flickies, man. They're too small, ya dig?" Sonic said to his young companion.

"I dig. Hey, look at that over there!" Tails said, pointing at a conspicuous pink hut, emblazoned with '**All You Can Eat Chilli Dogs and Other Food Sonic Likes**'.

"Well, damn. Looks like someone knows exactly what I need." Sonic said, nodding his head. "Let's go!"

"Sonic, wait! What if it's a trap laid by Eggman or something?" Tails called out, stopping Sonic in his tracks.

"Agh, yes! You're right! That's really the only explanation as to why the name of the place is so stupidly specific. He's trying to lure me into a secluded place where he will capture us, steal our crap, and possibly kill us as well." Sonic said. "Or maybe you're just being a paranoid little bitch. I like the second one better. We're going in there and we're going to love it."

Sonic grabbed Tails by the tails and pulled him towards the hut of broken dreams.

"We have arrived to participate in the consuming of chilli dogs and other food I like!" Sonic joyfully exclaimed, unaware of what would happen in the next three seconds.

"I knew you'd come, Sonic!" A cheery voice sounded across the hut, which turned out to be completely empty and made of cardboard. Sonic then found himself on the floor with a slobbering beast holding him down.

"Nani!?" Sonic exclaimed. (TL note: nani means what)

"…nani?" The beast inquired.

"Sonic tends to lapse into Japanese when he's particularly surprised and/or panicked." Tails said calmly, unfazed by the chaotic scene unfolding. "Hi, Amy."

Amy stood up and hugged Tails perhaps a tad too tight.

"Hi, Tails! It's been, like, way too long! Ohmigawd, we have like soooo much junk to catch up on!" Amy said, letting go of the small child. Sonic slowly stood up and sighed.

"I should have known that was your doing, Amy. Too good to be true, and all." Sonic shrugged. "To be honest, I would have preferred Eggman…"

"Awwwwsies, you like so totally know me better than anybody else, love muffin!" Amy's smile was positively radiant.

"Why are you talking like a valley girl?" Sonic inquired.

"It's my defining character trait now. I need to be interesting in _some_ way or else my appearances will just bore the reader! …er, and junk. El oh el, like, for sure, girl." Amy said, sweating.

"Uh… huh." Tails said, catching his breath.

"Anyway, I heard you were searching for Chaos Emeralds, so I—"

"Oh, right!" Sonic snapped his fingers. "I totally forgot all about that with all this irrelevant fluff clogging up the plot! We should go do that. Okay, bye." Sonic grabbed Tails' arm and prepared to dash through the cardboard door.

"Waiiiiiiiiiiit! I wanna join your party!" Amy said with desperation in her voice. "I need to be a main character again so the fanbase will take me seriously! And you're totally missing a dedicated healer, right? I took a look at Tails' skill list and it's just a bunch of status buffs and effects. Is that useless or is that _useless_?"

"Uh, my status buffs won't seem so useless when we're up against a boss with high defence. The healer is always the first to get taken out, anyway." Tails snapped back, having stopped in the doorway.

"Why the hell do you even have Rouge in your party? Ooh, she has armour-piercing skills. That's _real_ useful. That was sarcasm, by the way."

"Rouge is at least a central character to the story. You haven't done a single noteworthy thing since Sonic Adventure 2, and you weren't even playable in that game."

"What the hell are you two going on about!?" Sonic yelled out.

"_Nothing you need to worry about._" Tails and Amy said in unison.

"Just take me with you, Sonic. Please, pleeeaaaaase, I promise I'll behave." Amy said, her big and sparkly eyes sparkling.

"Ugh, fine. If it shuts you up." Sonic shrugged, having let go of Tails' arm.

"Yay! Justice prevails once more!" Amy exclaimed, holding her hammer up in the air.

…

Silence.

…

Even more silence.

…

"What gives?" Amy said, disappointed.

"What gives what?" Sonic responded, confused.

"There was no 'Amy the Fabulous has joined your party' message. Did I _really_ join your group?"

"Oh, you mean that. You're just a storyline character whose numerous kidnapping scenes lead us to Chaos Emeralds and other plot-advancing items, not an actual party member." Sonic yawned. "Can we go now?"

"No! We aren't going anywhere until I actually join your party!"

"Demands, demands." Sonic groaned. "Just stick around and keep super quiet and the plot will probably promote you to a full-time party member eventually."

"Gaspersville! Do you really mean it!?" Amy had reclaimed her trademark glee.

"Totesville, gurlfran. Let's just leave already." Sonic said as they all exited the cardboard construction.

"Was that thing about the plot true, Sonic?" Tails whispered to his blue companion.

"I'unno." Sonic shrugged.

* * *

The trio wandered around Station Square for what felt like an eternity. It seemed that none of them were too enthusiastic about rummaging through random sewers.

"Hm?" Sonic's ears perked up.

"What is it, my darling wife?" Amy said, grabbing onto Sonic's arm.

"Why am I the wife?"

"Uh, I'm the man in our relationship, silly."

"…"

Sonic's train of thought had completely crashed. That is, until the sound returned.

"There it is again!" Sonic called out unnecessarily loudly.

"There's what again?" Tails said, stretching his arms.

"It's feint, but I can totally make it out, coming from the distance. It sounds like that one song…"

"What one song?"

"That one song."

"Oh, _that_ one song?"

"Yeah, that one song. The one that goes like…"

_You a stupid ho, you a you a stupid ho. You a stupid ho, you a you a stupid ho._

The Egg Carrier cometh, its speaker system blasting something other than Britney for once.

"Ah! Is that Eggman!?" Amy cried out dramatically.

"No, I'm over here. Hi."

Amy turned around to see Eggman standing just behind her. He was wearing a Hawaiian shirt for whatever reason. Sonic and Amy, startled by this revelation, screamed like terrified little girls being ravaged by a terrible tentacle monster.

"Oh hi, Eggman. Why aren't you in your spiffy little ship?" Tails said casually, as if speaking to an old friend.

"It's… really quite embarrassing," Eggman blushed and smiled shyly, "but I kiiiiiind of fell off the Egg Carrier when admiring the view above the city."

"How the hell did you manage to do that?" Sonic said, dumbstruck.

"I dunno, lol. I guess I'm just super clumsy like that. Tee hee~" Eggman winked seductively (?) at the three.

LITTLE DID HE KNOW

E-0155-z pushed him off the ship in what would prove to be a failed murder attempt. He had grown tired of Eggman's Britney stanning.

"Now, please allow me to get back on board so I can disembark all dramatic-like so we can exchange snappy dialogue." Eggman said, skipping towards the Egg Carrier.

"Mmkay." Sonic said, stepping out of the way.

* * *

_We are currently experiencing some technical difficulties. We'll be right back._

* * *

The Egg Carrier had landed in front of Station Square's renowned shopping centre, The Unnamed Mall.

"It's the Egg Carrier!" Tails said, pointing at the Egg Carrier.

"No shit." Sonic said, rolling his eyes.

"Sonic!" Amy yelled, slapping Sonic's cheek.

"What did you do that for!?"

"It's not polite to swear, especially with children around!"

"Alright, alright, I get it…"

"Apologize."

"…what?" Sonic stared at Amy in disbelief.

"Apologize to Tails. He heard something his young ears should never have heard."

"I'm not going to apologize. That would be silly."

"You will apologize and you will love it."

"Will not."

"Yes, you will."

"**WILL YOU PEOPLE JUST SHUT THE HELL UP ALREADY!?**"

Eggman had emerged from the Egg Carrier a while ago, now clad in his usual getup, and had not had a chance to gloat about having found the Chaos Emerald before the heroes due to Sonic and Amy's arguing.

"…sorry, Eggman." Sonic and Amy said, one after the other.

"That's better. Ahem." Eggman prepared his body and soul for the hearty evil laughter that would soon echo throughout the city.

"Eggman!" Sonic called out to the mad scientist.

"That's right, Sonic! I have arrived! And I come bearing gifts!" Eggman held out the blue Chaos Emerald. He had secretly swiped it during the fluff nonsense part of the chapter.

"The second Chaos Emerald!" Tails pointed at the emerald.

"Yes, we have established that." Sonic sighed.

"Thank you so much for finding this for us, Eggman! You just saved us a whole lot of trouble!" Amy said, overjoyed.

"I know, right? I guess he isn't that bad a guy after all, huh?" Sonic said, nodding.

"Maybe he could join our party, too?" Tails suggested.

"Great idea, T-man." Sonic said, nodding even harder.

"No! This emerald is mine and you will never have it!" Eggman screamed at the heroes. They had begun talking amongst themselves again, which made him feel a bit lonely.

"You're so stingy, Eggy. That's why you don't have any friends." Amy shrugged, a smug smile on her face.

"Shut up, side character." Eggman sneered. "Anyway, if you don't mind, I'll be taking the emerald you have now."

Sonic reached around his nonexistent pockets and looked over at Eggman with remorse.

"Sorry, Doc, but we don't have it."

"You what?"

"Oh, that's right!" Tails snapped his fingers. "We left the emerald with Rouge, didn't we? Do you know where she went, Sonic?"

"That's right, we did. In hindsight, probably not such a good idea. Anyway, not a clue where she is. Sorry."

"So much for that." Tails shrugged. "Anyway, Eggman, mind telling us about your evil plot now? You've had it under wraps for an unusually long time, now."

Eggman scratched his bald head.

"…plot?"

…

"Oh, right! M-my evil plot! Yes, I have one of those. It's a doozy, too. Probably the best one I've ever had."

"Cool. Sharing is caring, so whenever you're ready." Sonic said, smiling strangely.

"Um… uh… oh, yes!" Eggman punched the air. "You, and the world, will know all about my diabolical schemes during the next lunar eclipse!"

Brainfart at its finest. Eggman was very proud of himself for coming up with all of that on the spot.

"The next lunar eclipse…?" Amy thought out loud.

"Does anyone know when that is?" Tails asked the group.

"I sure don't. Could you look that up?" Sonic scratched his head.

"Maybe we could ask Eggman. Hey, Eggm—"

Eggman had bolted it before Amy could inquire about the lunar eclipse. The Egg Carrier could be seen flying into the distance.

And as the Egg Carrier left, another magnificent structure could be seen approaching the group. On further inspection, it was a mountain of shopping bags.

"Thank you for waiting, everyone. The star has returned." Rouge called out to the three, waving.

* * *

—_Knuckles has returned to the party.—_

* * *

—_Rouge has returned to the party.—_

* * *

"Goody. Crappish news, we don't have to go looking for the emerald here. Eggman already got it." Sonic said, bracing himself for Rouge's reaction.

"Eh, it's not like he'll have it for long. We'll just steal it from him la—" Rouge began to speak, but was soon buried under a seemingly infinite number of shopping bags.

"He what." Knuckles said in a flat tone.

"Yeah, looks like we didn't need to go to the sewers, anyway. Funny that, huh?" Sonic said, smiling.

"So the whole shopping thing… was completely pointless?" Knuckles said as he fell to his knees.

"I wouldn't call it completely pointless, sweetie. We got a lot of some pretty great deals, after all." Rouge said, emerging from the pile of shopping bags. "Plus, it was a valuable learning experience for you. Y'know, for when we're married."

Knuckles tried to speak, but words failed him.

"I like to keep my shopping trips regular, so it's a great help to know that you can carry so many bags. They'll only grow larger in number when we have children, after all."

No one knew for sure, but Sonic could swear he heard Knuckles cry.


	5. A Hole in the World

_And here's where the new stuff starts. I had the first four chapters already written out. Not so much anything past that. Okay, then! Chapter 5!_

* * *

"Not a damn thing. This is hopeless." Knuckles had positioned himself on a high mountaintop somewhere deep within the Australian outback.

A week had passed since the Station Square incident. The group had thought that with two self-proclaimed 'world-class' treasure hunters on board, finding the rest of the Chaos Emeralds would have been a breeze. Alas, that was sadly not the case. They simply had no leads, and thus were picking locations around the world at random.

"There's nothing here, either. I'll have to agree with Knuckie on this one, this really is hopeless." Rouge had been searching underground a few kilometres from Knuckles' position. We may never know how radio contact could be established between her and the rest.

Far away from dangerous mountains and underground passages, the remaining three were having a lovely picnic while half-listening to Knuckles and Rouge complain over the radio.

"I wonder if Eggman is having this much trouble with the third emerald," Tails wondered.

* * *

_**Harmonious Pandemonium**_

**Chapter V: A Hole in the World**

* * *

"I wonder if Sonic and his stupid friends are having this much trouble with the third emerald," Eggman wondered.

The Egg Carrier had been going all over the world in search of a Chaos Emerald, but without any success. It had been a whole week since Eggman's off-screen sewer excursion, which had made him one emerald richer. Incidentally, a lunar eclipse was to occur three days from this particular moment. Even with a whole week to think things through, Eggman still had no evil plan.

Blowing up the moon, building a theme park up in space, unleashing Elder Gods, setting up racing competitions, he had done literally _everything_ there is to do.

Britney was doing nothing to stimulate Eggman's creative process, and he now sat in complete silence in the command room.

"Lunar eclipse, lunar eclipse…" Eggman mumbled to himself. "Couldn't I have picked a more convenient occurrence? Like the world's end or my birthday…?"

Eggman sat in silence for a few more minutes until he broke said silence with an order for his robot minions.

"Call up… the operative."

"Gasp!" His trusty robot servants all gasped in unison. "Do you mean… _that_ operative?"

"Yes…" Eggman grinned. "_That_ operative!"

* * *

_Three Days Later…_

* * *

Despite having had no leads on any Chaos Emeralds for ten whole days, the party had still remained together, now staying at one of many swanky GUN-issued apartments Rouge had abused her connections to get.

"Guys, I'm really bored. Do something about it." Sonic said, zoning out on the previously non-spiky sofa.

"Patience, Sonic. We still haven't heard from Eggman, and the lunar eclipse is set to happen in about half an hour." Tails said, clacking away at his laptop.

Tails had issued a full-scale lockdown on the place. No one was to leave until Eggman would fulfil their appointment, which was to call Tails via Skype during the eclipse.

"Skype? Really? Is Eggman on a budget or something?" was Amy's reaction to this revelation.

"It's product placement." Rouge said.

"I made muffins." Knuckles announced to the group. He had made muffins.

"Are they good muffins?" Sonic inquired.

"They are not good muffins." Rouge sighed.

"I didn't know you could cook." Amy said with surprise.

"He can't."

"Please shut up, Rouge." Knuckles scoffed. "It's a hobby of mine."

"And it really shouldn't be, for the sake of our tastebuds."

As Knuckles readied himself to explode at Rouge, something she had been eagerly anticipating, he was interrupted by a loud, sharp, piercing noise.

All of Tails' emerald detectors had gone off at once, and he had a lot of them.

"What in the ever-loving actual hell is up with this beepage!?" Sonic yelled out, covering his ears.

"This is really weird. What's making the emerald detectors going this crazy?" Tails said, unfazed by the auditory assault.

He was also the only one, as everyone else had dropped to the floor in pain. Especially Rouge, the poor dear.

One of Tails' small detectors suddenly started hovering on its own. It then proceeded to break through the window and fly towards the sky. This flabbergasted Tails, as he had never equipped that particular model with a flight function.

Before Tails could make a snappy comment about this, all of his other detectors follow suit, beeping loudly all the way to… the moon? Looking out the window, Tails could see that the beeping equipment was all headed to the eclipsed moon. Peace and quiet had returned to the room.

"You guys okay?" Tails turned around in his chair to face the group. Everyone had stopped writhing in pain, though Rouge did look a bit strange.

"What?" Rouge said, still dazed.

"You guys okay?" Tails said louder.

"Do I like Tina Fey? She's funny and all, but I don't really swing that way. Well, I guess I could make an exception for her. What are you even going on about?" Rouge blurted out, trying to maintain her balance as she stood up.

"Aw, her hearing's jacked up. That's kinda cute." Knuckles said with an amused smile, prompting a suggestive stare from Sonic. "…tell her I said that and I will end you."

"The third emerald is on the moon!" Tails called out, pointing towards the sky.

"What makes you say that?" Knuckles said, crossing his arms all dramatically.

"Oh, I dunno, probably the fact that all of our emerald-related equipment is currently having a magnetic reaction to that big rock thing in outer space, coupled with Eggman heading over there right now." Tails said, pointing towards the barely visible Egg Carrier, en route to the moon.

"That's really cool, but how the hell do we get to the moon?" Sonic said, exchanging glances between the window and Tails.

"It just so happens that I have a shuttle built into this apartment building's roof. It will make travelling to the moon very easy!" Tails said with pride.

Everyone stared at Tails in disbelief.

"…what did you just say?" Knuckles said, scratching his head.

"What, what _did_ he say? This damn ringing won't leave my head." Rouge asked the group. No one answered her. Isn't it sad, Rouge?

"GUN asked me to install it about a year ago. Actually, a shuttle like that is installed in just about every GUN-owned facility around the world. It took me a while, to say the least." Tails explained, a hint of nostalgia in his voice.

Everyone remained silent for a while until Amy raised her voice.

"Need I remind you that Eggman is on his way to the moon? Why aren't we in this damn shuttle already? Er, I mean…" Amy regained her composure and spoke again. "Like, we should like totes head over to that shuttlething and snatch the shiny thing before the fatso does, guise. Like ohmigawd stop being slowpokes, y'all."

With those baffling words, the team was off to the moon inside what turned out to be a very small shuttle.

* * *

Much accidental groping ensued. It was an uncomfortable and terrible experience for everyone involved. They all promised to never speak of the shuttle trip ever again.

"We have arrived!" Sonic shouted out as the shuttle landed triumphantly on the moon. They even beat Eggman there and everything!

"I could question our ability to talk _and_ breathe in outer space, but I don't think that would accomplish anything." Rouge said. The ringing in her head had gone away for the most part.

"Guys, there's a bunch of beeping sounds coming from over here." Tails began walking off and motioned for the group to follow him.

The sound grew ever closer, ever sharper, with each step they took. Eventually, they reached a pretty huge crater. In the center of the crater was a gigantic hole that seemed to have no end. From the hole came an unholy orgy of noise. The emerald couldn't _not_ be in there, right?

"Duh." Sonic said. "Let's just go get it already."

"Not so fast, Sonic. We don't know what else could be down there." Tails said with a serious expression. "It could be dangerous, perhaps even deadly."

"Oh, you're right. We wouldn't want to endanger ourselves, or our friends."

"That's exactly right, Sonic. We need to be considerate of the group, or we might lose someone important to us."

Sonic and Tails nodded in unison. "Rouge, you'll go." They said together.

"I'm sorry, what? How about no." Rouge shook her head. "I'm _so_ not going down there alone. Oh, and by the way, screw you guys."

Rouge crossed her arms and pouted. It seemed that even she was capable of being offended.

"Then let's just have Knuckles go with you. That good?" Amy's suggestion was met with favourable reception from the rest of the group, excepting the man himself.

"I ain't going down there!"

"Then why are you going down there?"

"I **told** you, I'm no—"

Knuckles was unable to finish his sentence, as he got sent flying down the lunar hole with a well-placed punt to his shapely buttocks, courtesy of Sonic. A soft thud could be heard as Knuckles's panicked screaming abruptly ceased.

"I think you should go down there and, y'know, check on him." Sonic said, elbowing the groaning Rouge.

"Ugh, fine. But only because I don't really want to hang around with you losers."

With that, Rouge gracefully glided down the seemingly endless hole. Incredible adventures awaited down there for her and her probably not dead companion.

"I feel kinda bad, though. Just kicking Knuckles down there and all. I mean, he _is_ our friend…" Tails sighed.

"Eh, he'll be fine. He's survived worse. More importantly…" Sonic said.

"Hm? What is it?"

"Eggman'll be here soon, right? If we scatter around and pretend to be looking for the thingy, he probably won't think to look here first."

"That's actually pretty good thinking, Sonic." Tails nodded enthusiastically. "Alright, let's split up. But first…"

Tails reached into his nonexistent pocket and pulled out three walkie talkies.

"These are my extra super special communication devices, specifically made for moon-based contact. I never thought I'd actually use them, it's just something I whipped up when I was feeling bored one day."

* * *

The three split up, with some reluctance from Amy. As they loitered around the lunar surface, Eggman made his much-delayed entrance. He had to stop for gas, you see, and the Egg Carrier is a total fuel hog.

"You'd think you would have invented an alternate energy source by now, Doctor." E-1055-z said with just a hint of sarcasm in his mechanical voice.

"One of these days, I _will_ make good on my threats of donating you to a preschool." Eggman said. He let out an exasperated groan, and then pulled up a communication radio. "Just to confirm, the emerald _is_ situated on the moon, yes?"

"Hm? Ah, yes, that's right. You'd do well to pick up the pace, though. Sonic is probably close to finding it by now." A _mysterious_ voice sounded from the radio. It sounded smooth and sophisticated, yet with a subtle hint of dastardly cunning. "Well, either way, I suppose that wouldn't be a very big issue. They won't be getting the full set anytime soon. I've already found most of them, after all."

Eggman laughed heartily. "Wonderful! Keep up the great work. I'll be expecting even greater things from you."

"Naturally, but I don't think I need to remind you to keep your focus. That is, if you truly _are_ interested in prevailing."

With a soft click, the _mysterious_ voice fell silent, and Eggman set out to continue his quest for power.


	6. Ten Below Blazing

"Ugh, just rise and shine already. I don't have time to be slapping your stupid face all day."

Knuckles had tragically been knocked out cold from hitting the bottom of the hole. The room there was suspiciously spacious, with Knuckles 'comfortably' sprawled out roughly in the middle of it. Just to the right was a small, darkened tunnel, which would be Rouge's next destination, and probably the place where the signal was coming from. Speaking of which, the incessant beeping had mysteriously stopped not very long ago, leaving Rouge with little getting in the way of her attempts to awaken the beast.

Just as she was about to hit him with her hardest, a soft groan escaped from Knuckles's mouth as he slowly opened his eyes.

"Oww… why's it feel like m'face's all messed up…?"

Rouge sighed. "Yeah, you hit your head pretty hard back there. All sorted now, though. I'm right here to take care of you."

Knuckles sat up and frowned at Rouge.

"Liar. You've been slappin' the crap out of me for, what, the past ten minutes or something, haven't you?"

"Fifteen, actually. Let's not be understating the lengths I'm willing to go to for your sake. You better be grateful." Rouge sighed even heavier and offered her hand to Knuckles. "Here, lemme help you stand up."

Knuckles was dumbstruck for a bit, but eventually reached out to Rouge, who did what she said.

"Thanks…? Y'know, aside from the whole slapping thing, you're being way too nice right now. Is something wrong, or…?"

"Er, no, it's ju—"

"**Wh-who are you!? **_**Why are you here**_**!?**"

The two's budding conversation was tragically (and rudely) interrupted by the impromptu appearance of some kind of weird moon-cave-person, who looked as if he'd been living there for months, even years. He had the appearance of a slender, silvery hedgehog. His spines were unruly and messy, and he had mounds of dishevelled grey chest hair that may have once been white. His piercing yellow eyes were those of a madman, and his voice was shrill and panicked. This person clearly hadn't had any sort of civilised contact in a very, very long time.

The terrifying specimen had emerged from the tunnel to the right, and he appeared to be holding the smashed remains of several emerald radars.

As one would expect, Knuckles and Rouge dealt with the situation with calm professionalism and understanding.

"AAAAAHHHHHH! KILL IT, KNUCKLES! FOR GOD'S SAKES, _KILL IT_!"

"GYAAGGGHHH! I DON'T WANNA DIEEEE! TAKE _THIS_!"

* * *

_**Harmonious Pandemonium**_

**Chapter VI: Ten Below Blazing**

* * *

"This wouldn't have happened if Sonic had just promoted me to a full-time party member…"

Amy's grumbling was met with an amused chuckle from Dr. Eggman, who had come across and captured her as he sought the emerald. The poor girl had found herself crudely tied to a chair, just tightly enough for her inevitable escape to be delayed by a fair amount of time.

"Grumble as you want, my dear Amy. I've already sent my robots after Sonic. They'll inform him of your capture, and he'll have to give me the emerald he's obviously already found in order to free you!"

With a satisfied smile on his face, Eggman plomped himself down onto the Egg Carrier's captain's seat, where he would play the waiting game. No need for any physical effort on his part. He'd just have to wait for the emerald to come to _him_. Perfect. But perhaps he should check in with his trusty partner in crime before resigning to even greater self-confidence.

_Beep, beep…_

"Come in, Codename Ragna. Codename Walrus calling." Eggman said, grinning deviously.

"Your codename is Walrus?" He could hear Amy say from across the room.

"Shut it, pinkie pie. Don't make me sit on you."

A coarse cough could be heard from the radio. "Codename Ragna reporting in. I trust you've secured the emerald by now?"

"It's as good as secured!"

"…" The other line went dead silent, with only the soft sound of static indicating that they were still there. "As… 'good as' secured?"

"Well, yes, I don't actually _have_ the emerald yet, but with the ingenious plan I've set in motion, I should have it momentarily!"

"…" More silence from Codename Ragna. "A-are you sure? I mean, just… knowing your track record, I don't really think that, uh…"

"N-no, I got it this time. Really." Eggman smiled nervously.

"I'm just saying, if you think you require my assistance, I'm certainly available…"

Eggman cleared his throat needlessly loudly. "Thank you, Codename Ragna, but I have the situation under control. We will regroup at the specified location at the promised time, where we will set the plan into motion. Okay, bye!"

"Wai—"

Codename Ragna's protests were silenced by Eggman throwing his radio at a wall, smashing it into smithereens.

"Stupid criminal mastermind. I'd be doing just as well without him…"

Silence filled the Egg Carrier's cockpit.

"Who's your friend, Eggs?" Amy smiled wryly.

"Oh, it's jus— Hey, I'm not telling you _that_! Go back to shutting up!"

* * *

Meanwhile, elsewhere, Knuckles and Rouge had huddled up against the wall to the far left after Knuckles had knocked out the local. Said local was now lying on the ground to the far _right_, out cold.

"Who the hell _is_ that!?" Rouge said, with Knuckles's wrist in a death grip.

"First of all, _ow_! Second, why are you asking me!?"

A minute of awkward silence passed. The assailant wasn't moving, but he appeared to at least be breathing.

"Knuckles, I think you should go check who it is."

"Why me?"

"Because you're the one who knocked him out. Go!" With that, Rouge let go of Knuckles's wrist and pushed him towards the room's middle.

The two then had a relatively quiet argument which consisted mostly of them mouthing expletives and making dramatic hand gestures at each other, until Knuckles eventually relented and resigned to his fate of having to confirm the man's identity.

Knuckles rolled the motionless hedgehog onto his back and studied his weary face closely. He couldn't help but think he's seen this person before…

"Hang on a minute, Rouge, I think we know him…" Knuckles said to Rouge. "He looks so familiar, but I can't really place him."

"Huh, really?" Rouge, lowering her guard ever so slightly, walked up to Knuckles. "I don't think I know any crazy cave people…"

Rouge knelt down and squinted as hard as she could. Knuckles was right, that guy _did_ look really familiar.

"_Waaaaait_… isn't that…?"

"Yeah, I think it might be."

"It would explain a lot, really."

"But I thought he was…"

"Yeah, me too. We hadn't heard from him in forever, so I just assumed…"

"I know, right?"

"Huh."

The two looked at each other, and then again at the unconscious hedgehog. There was no mistaking it. The greyish fur, the chest hair, the yellow eyes, the spines that vaguely resemble a certain kind of leaf, not to mention the conspicuous teal markings around his hands and legs…

That was definitely Silver the Hedgehog, missing and presumed dead for several years.

"Hm. So _that's_ where he's been all this time. Would not have guessed." Rouge stood up and put her hand to her forehead. They hadn't seen Silver in years, and he seemed fine, if a little sad, when they last saw him. One day, he was just suddenly… gone. At first, no one really seemed to notice. However, people had started to ask questions after the first two weeks or so, and he was declared dead soon after. Knuckles and Rouge now knew that Silver was, in fact, still alive. Still, the most important question remained…

"But why is he on the moon? _How_ is he on the moon?" Knuckles said.

"Do I _look_ like I know the answers to that? Why don't we ask _him_? Stand back and let the master do her thing." Rouge knelt down to Silver again and proceeded to slap him silly.

Knuckles sighed, partly out of sympathy for Silver, but then noticed a feint glow coming from the far end of the tunnel.

"Hey, uh, Rouge? Think you can stand to be alone around Silver for just a sec?" Knuckles said.

"Huh? Sure, whatever, but why?" She said in-between slaps.

"I think I know where the emerald is."

With that, Knuckles vanished into the darkness, leaving Rouge behind.

"Agh!" Silver shrieked. Rouge's method had proven successful yet again.

"Ah. And we're up, I see." Rouge rubbed her hand and smiled.

"Who… whuh…" Silver slowly sat up and rubbed his eyes. "Who're…?"

"I'm Rouge. As in, the Bat. And your name is Silver. _Sil-ver_."

"_Who_uge? I dunno you, I dun think…" Now that he'd calmed down, his voice was very hoarse and his breath was somewhat rank. "I… know my own name, though… It's all I have left…"

Rouge groaned. Of course, this was to be expected. Who-knows-how-many years alone in a hole on the moon won't really do wonders for your memory, social skills, or hygiene, be it oral or personal.

"Oh, whatever. Can you stand? We should probably get you out of here. I'll hear your story later, okay?" Rouge gave Silver her shoulder for support. "Come on, we'll get you a blanket and a cup of tea."

Silver rose up with Rouge's help, but did nothing but stare at her in disbelief. From the look in his eyes, he seemed to only vaguely remember her. Nevertheless, he felt somewhat grateful and relieved to finally be discovered after all this time.

"At least you seem to understand what I'm saying. Now, to get out of h—"

"Hey, Rouge! The emerald's here, I found it!" Knuckles's voice sounded from inside the darkned tunnel.

"That's great, sweetie." Rouge smiled awkwardly. "Now hurry your ass back here. Silver's up and running, so let's go."

"Oh, okay!"

And that he did. With emerald in hand, Knuckles cheerfully regrouped with Rouge. With the moon's lower gravity, Rouge was able to quite easily fly Silver out of the hole, leaving Knuckles to climb out of there on his lonesome.

Mission accomplished, really. The gruesome twosome had recovered the emerald they set out to find, _and _bagged themselves a mostly forgotten friend for bonus points!

"We should head back to the shuttle and get out of here. I'll call up Tails." Knuckles said.

"Thank you for that genius suggestion, Knuckles. I don't know _what_ I'd do without you."

Alas, radio contact could not be established. Rouge took it upon herself to escort Silver to the safety of their amazing shuttle, while Knuckles went to manually inform Sonic and Tails of their success. He of course took the emerald with him, to Rouge's slight dismay. After he'd been up in several layers of blankets, (the tea would have to wait until they returned to Earth) Silver dropped the emotionless act and started sobbing uncontrollably, which Rouge wasn't entirely sure how to deal with.

"Er… there, there…"

"I never thought anyone would ever find me!" Silver cried out between sobs. He seemed to have regained most of his conversation abilities remarkably quickly. "Do you know how long I've been here!?"

"I actually don't, no." Rouge couldn't help but smile awkwardly. "Don't suppose you could tell me why you were on the moon to begin with?"

Silver sniffled. "Sega put me here. I wasn't popular enough, so they cut their losses and just… got rid of me."

"…I'm sorry, what?"

* * *

Kinda short chapter, but ending it there seemed fun. Tune in next time for... more Silver?


End file.
